Guan Xi: Networking Chinese style

Once this first little, strange exchange is complete, you will have anchored that initial delicate bond in an intricate web, the first, thin silk-like spider string that puts the net in networking, and which is the basis of all guan xi.

You now both stand happily sucking each other’s tar – but don’t get too comfortable, chap! Because the clock is running, as you have but three short minutes max (the time it takes your cigarette to burn out) to find out just what exactly the other individual has to offer that might aid your existence and or business enterprise.

Rule No. 2: Men in China carry business cards

Around the same time, I have found that Chinese will exchange names. Of course, sometimes this happens before the cigarette exchange, but just as often after. Historically, the Chinese have 100 common surnames, with a majority of people being surnamed Wang, Li, Chen, Zhang, etc. Obviously then, with relatively few last names floating about and oh so many people, there are then going to be many, many people with the same exact name!

Still there are two other problems with introductions in China, stemming from the nature of spoken Mandarin and written Chinese. Due to the relatively limited number of sounds in Mandarin (in comparison with English, for example), most Chinese words have exact homonyms. The sound of my first name, for example, could be mistaken with 23 other characters with the exact same pronunciation, not to mention other characters spelled with the same pinyin (拼音) but with different tones. On top of that, it is no secret that the written language is tough to write and so as not to embarrass anyone by exposing their inability to write your name (as well as to add an air of professionalism to an otherwise entirely routine encounter), Chinese men almost without fail ceremoniously hand out business cards that contain their names, telephone numbers, e-mail, and profession, like they’re going out of style.

This business card custom is done thusly: handing out or receiving the business card is always done with both hands.

Why?

This cultural proclivity demonstrates not just a forward-thinking, business-oriented attitude, but respect, showing each party involved that the other party can observe tradition. Since Mr. Chen remembered to receive my business card with both hands, he will probably also remember his other manners!

Now in this first imaginary encounter of ours, after business-card reciprocation is complete, the relationship is already two exchanges deep and a trustworthy connection is forming quite nicely, as etiquette, if nothing else, has been superficially checked. Each party has now learned that the other is willing to share, obey established rituals, and that they are likely to further reciprocate greater prompted exchanges – and so far the friend test has only cost them one cigarette and a small piece of paper!

Thus, both now up the ante.

Rule No. 3: Men in China drink liquor

Let’s imagine that the parties have met at a restaurant. In short time, this certainly means the introduction of alcohol, bai jiu (白酒) most likely, an extremely potent liquor, tasting something like the bastard son of Rumple Minze peppermint schnapps, enjoyable if in place of the mouthwash aftertaste associated with Rumple Minze, you like chugging lighter fluid. Anyways, the third level of guan xi follows.

In China, if there are no women around, men pour each other’s drink. If women are around, men might still pour each other’s drinks, just out of respect. If you see someone else’s glass empty, you should reach across the table and fill it. If they are seated far from you, get up and walk over. This shows great respect while at the same time earning the pourer points for generosity. After filling someone’s glass it would be best to toast to their, or to your common honor, spitting out a general cheers! – a gan bei (干杯) – or a wisely selected saying – a chengyu (成语). Glasses will then always be clinked. It is good manners to clink your glass lower than your friend’s glass, i.e. the mouth of your glass should be lower than the mouth of your friend’s glass when they meet, the lower the better. This rule always results in a scramble for the most humble position – a reverse dog-pile – as in China everyone is desirous of the most meek ranking – at least that is what they want others to think!

In China, you ultimately honor yourself by honoring your friends and new acquaintances in this, and similar ways; refilling empty glasses, toasting friends, and humbling yourself by clinking your glass the lowest. Braggarts and show-offs who are unable to honor others, don’t climb far up the social ladder in Chinese culture.

Now if all goes according to custom, each party then realizes that the other can be trusted to gei mian zi (给面子), or “give face” and therefore knows that in a crucial moment, if need be, the other is not too proud to take one for the team. No, this is a fellow who can be of use, for they know when to bow and scrape!

Do Americans characteristically possess this flexibility?

Rule No. 4: Men in China never split a bill

After dinner, the next stage in guan xi building begins, for it is then customary for both parties to fight with no small amount of gusto over the bill. The Chinese NEVER split a bill. If ever at the till of the restaurant you see a scuffle and begin to think the restaurant you’re eating at is being robbed, don’t worry! It is simply two Chinese men attempting to appear generous. Probably they each already know whose turn it is to pay. However by dancing the dance, both gain face from obstinately demanding to shell out their hard earned cash like they really want to. The winner of the bill feels like he has done good, just as the person being treated doesn’t feel like he owes the other too much because he at least tried to pay.

To remedy the after-dinner brawl, the parties then agree to go out again whereupon the person just treated will treat the treater! Fighting over the bill reaffirms that you are willing to be generous with your friends and that money is not the only thing you desire.

Even though a personal invitation to dinner means that the inviter will ultimately pay, it is always good manners for the invited to attempt to pay.

In China, baby steps evolving from sharing cigarettes turn into business cards which turn into liquor rituals and fighting over who will pay for dinner. Only after all of this can you truly know if someone is worth trusting, if they can observe tradition, and give face.

Business deals can then be struck.

Without being aware of these important social customs, many Western businessmen might find it frustrating to get things done in The Middle Kingdom as their Chinese counterparts seem to just want to waste their time getting wasted. This is not the case! In fact, everything is one big trust test.

I firmly believe that if a Western businessman is able to pass the trust test with flying colors, carefully observing Chinese cultural etiquette, it will drastically improve negotiations – it is that important!

After guan xi is established it can then be “pulled”, i.e. called up for favors, big and small, and thus the all-powerful hou men, or “the back door” can be found.

In China it really takes knowing the right people to get in the back door, past all that red tape, and thus, once a useful person is found, they are hard to let go. Unfortunately getting guan xi means making yourself look useful, and also entails smoking some cigarettes and downing glasses of bai jiu. If you can’t bring yourself to this then you might want to reconsider doing business here.

Glossary:
hou men (后门) – the back door; indirect way for pressure and influence
guan xi (关系) – relation; relationship; to concern; to affect; to have to do with
pinyin (拼音) – phonetic writing; Chinese Romanization technique
bai jiu (白酒) – white spirit usually distilled from sorghum or maize
gan bei (干杯) – to drink a toast; cheers!; here’s to you; bottoms up; literally = “dry cup”
chengyu (成语) – Chinese idiom usually comprised of four characters
gei mian zi (给面子) – literally “give face”; give honor; give self-respect. In the port o’ call China, the locals observe the protocol of gei mian zi (给面子) or “giving face”. Face can be saved, lost, or given. Mian zi is essentially an Asian sense of honor or prestige, like perhaps what a southern gentleman or a European aristocrat would have called his “honor”. It is very important that one does not trample on another’s face, and likewise one knows how to protect his own face. If face is lost, this can cost a person not just shame, but money, as others will view you as being weak, or without honor, an untouchable, who is not worth dealing with socially or in business.